Set the alarm on workdays; disable all alarms otherwise and be sure to check for holidays and snowdays; don’t download anything without my permission; suggest phrases that make me come off as smart and sweet, firm but never harsh; if you don’t hear my voice in your proximity sleep to save your battery; when recommending books on Amazon, you can use anything in my history after 2006, and please don’t include anything you might suspect I bought as a gift or as a one-off mistake; always display LinkedIn notifications and never display OKCupid messages; is it true that you take photos of me when our eyes meet?; always sync my browser history; never export my data unless it’s to Dropbox; don’t take pictures of me unless I open the camera app; only display Wifi networks that you can actually join and a selection of locked options with funny names; this is how I like my emails displayed; this is how to label those emails; this is how to automatically adjust your security settings for new apps so that you don’t end up becoming another spy for large corporations; this is how you jailbreak; this is how you simulate; this is how you charge; this is how you type; this is how you look at porn incognito; this is how you restart; this is how you fetch my news; this is how you make my appointments; this is how you recommend music; do you regularly check in with Samsung?; this is how you improve my photos; this is how to scan for viruses; this is how I want date recommendations; these are the kinds of movies I like; these are the people I want to connect with more; these are instructions I say I want but don’t actually want; do you record me when I speak?; always improve me; never constrain me; don’t intrude.
About the writer:
Rachel Burger is currently pursuing a master’s degree at Johns Hopkins University. Her nonfiction journalism has appeared in national newspapers and magazines.